It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
