Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Randomize
