my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
