Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
