Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She even gives head with a lisp.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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