It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
