There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
