I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
so let's talk penis.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
