i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
