Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
