True but thats because hes a fetus.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
