Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
