I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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