Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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