Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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