everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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