i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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