I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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