I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
