ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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