It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
