So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
