I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
