At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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