His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
