She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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