my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
