UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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