Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
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