Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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