the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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