I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just gift wrapped bread.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
