Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
