Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
