Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
