i wish peter jackson would direct porn
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
