You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
