I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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