anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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