OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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