youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
ttyl tear gas
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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