The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
