Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
