I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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