k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
