i need an iv and a liver transplant
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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