I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
