The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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