i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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