Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
