Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
